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3 questions that show you your blind spots.

For anyone starting something new, or wondering how they come across. Ask two or three people you trust, one at a time.

15 minutes per conversation, plus a 5-minute follow-up about a month later

Your answers save in this browser only.

Why it matters

Everyone has habits that other people see clearly and they do not. Most of the people around you will never mention them, not because they do not care, but because nobody asked and it feels risky to bring up.

A change is the best time to ask. In a new role, people are still forming their view of you. After a layoff, a clear picture of your strengths makes the next step easier to name. Asking three plain questions gets you information you cannot get any other way.

The questions are the easy part. The hard part is listening without explaining yourself. Defend once and the person learns that honesty with you costs something, and the real answers stop. Thank them instead, and you will get more next time.

How to use it

  1. Pick two or three people who see you in action and have no reason to flatter you: a peer, a former boss, someone you serve or lead.
  2. Ask in person or on a call, not by email. Use the opener below so they know why you are asking and that it is safe.
  3. Ask the three questions in order. Write down their words as close to exactly as you can.
  4. When they finish, say thank you and nothing else about the content. No 'yes, but.' Ask for an example only if you need one to understand.
  5. After all the conversations, fill in the 'What I heard' table and look for anything that came up more than once.
  6. Pick one thing to start. Try it for a month, then go back to each person and close the loop.

The worksheet

Before you ask

Open the conversation

"I'm working on getting better at ___, and I trust you to be straight with me. I have three questions. I'm just going to listen and take notes."
"There are no wrong answers, and you won't hurt my feelings. Honest is more useful to me than nice."
If they say 'nothing comes to mind': "That's fine. If you had to pick one small thing, what would it be?"
To close: "Thank you. That's really useful. I'm going to think about it and try something."

The three questions

  1. What do I do that helps you the most?Listen for specific behaviors, not traits. 'You always send the agenda ahead' is more useful than 'you're organized.' These are strengths to keep.
  2. What do I do that makes things harder for you?Listen for the pause before they answer. That is often where the real one is. Ask 'can you give me an example?' if it is vague.
  3. What is one thing you'd like me to start doing?Starting is easier to act on than stopping. Listen for something you could try this week.

While they talk

What I heard

PersonHelps mostMakes things harderOne thing to start
1
2
3
Showed up twice or more

Close the loop, about a month later

"Last month you told me ___. Since then I've been trying ___. Have you noticed any difference?"
"Thanks again for being straight with me. Is there anything else you'd add now?"
Free from Brian LeSage · Sagefulsageful.app/free/feedback-questions
Example: six months into a first supervisor job

Made-up example. Tasha was promoted to lead a team of six in a call center. She asked a peer supervisor, her manager and one of her team members.

All three named the same strength: she answers questions fast and never makes people feel dumb for asking. Two of the three said, in different words, that she jumps in and finishes people's work when they are slow, so they stop trying. Her team member said it plainly: 'I don't get to finish anything.'

She wanted to explain that she was only trying to help. She wrote 'urge to explain' in the margin instead. Her one thing to start: ask 'what do you think the next step is?' before giving an answer. A month later, the same team member said, 'You're letting me figure things out now. I like it.'

Common mistakes

  • Asking by email or a survey; the fix is a live conversation, where tone and pauses tell you as much as the words.
  • Asking only people who like you; the fix is to include one person you have had friction with, if the relationship can take it.
  • Defending or explaining, even gently; the fix is 'thank you' and nothing after it.
  • Trying to fix everything you heard; the fix is one thing to start, for one month.
  • Never going back; the fix is the follow-up date on your calendar, so they see their honesty made a difference.
  • Treating one person's comment as the full truth; the fix is to look for what showed up twice or more.

Make it yours

  • After a layoffAsk former coworkers, and change question three to 'What kind of work do you picture me doing next?' Their answers often name strengths you can lead with.
  • New in a leadership roleWait until you have been in the role six to eight weeks, then ask your team. Let them answer in writing if a face-to-face feels too risky at first.
  • Running a small businessAsk a longtime customer and your most experienced employee. Customers see the business; employees see the owner.
  • Going back to work after time awayAsk about how you used to work, then ask question three about what they think the new role will need.

Use it with

Your first 30 days leading people.Open →Your story in three sentences.Open →The 10-minute weekly reset.Open →

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